Autobiography Amended

A long time ago the Smith side of my family put on their blogs things they missed or memories that wouldn't be the same if you could go and do them again. I think it is my turn. I am sorry but I don't have very many memories before I was nine-years old. Mental issues I guess. I will try to include a few of the things I do remember. Sometimes I wonder if the things I remember then are actually true but it could be just as likely that it is something I may have to or want to believe is true. I don't think I would ever go back and do things differently because all my choices landed me where I am now but there are things I look upon fondly in my life. I hope my Mordecai side of the family will post things they reflect fondly upon too.

• I vaguely remember sitting on my dad's lap while he read the paper and standing on his skis while he skied across potato fields to "the pit". I love this memory because it was one of the few times I felt comfort and safety from a man until Erik came around. Now I love hearing stories of my dad growing up in Wales.
  
  
• Trisha, it sounds silly but while it drove me crazy, I loved seeing how much our parents loved (and still do) you. Mom would sit in the hospital watching you and you consumed her whole being. I stared at the scene and thought, I wish I could be in the hospital so they would love me that much. I still sometimes feel this jealousy over the relationship you have with them. I also remember you crying and hanging onto the railing so you wouldn't go on a ride at Disneyland. It was annoying then but hilarious now.
  
• Brittney and I have always had a love-hate relationship. I believe it is a love-love relationship now but as kids it was different. One of my favorite memories of Brittney as a kid was being blindfolded and trying to hit her with a stick following the sounds she made while she tried to run away and have me hit the brick on the side of the house. Yes, Brit, I also look fondly on that time I found you all tied up and gagged (by Aaron) in my room and I just left you there. I always thought that you were the smart one and that is why mom would let you study and I had to clean house. I relished the fact I had more friends but hid how lonely I felt. I loved when we got older and drove to Dad's house together and walked to the corner and drank ironports. When I was divorced you were 19 but I loved how I could come to you to clear my mind. You remain one of the few people who I have let see me cry.
• I love the forts we used to make in our basement, lobbing pillows over them in the hope we nail some unaware person coming down the stairs or behind their fort across the hall.
  
  

Ahh Aaron, you used to beat me and still I loved you and followed you around like the chunky, obnoxious little sister I was. Your friends were hot! I loved and hated those family prayers our mom made us have where we sat in a circle and I was "forced" to hold your friends' hands. I am insanely jealous of your fearlessness and your ability to want something done so you just learn and do it yourself. I would tease you that at least I was smarter than you but only because I knew you were the smarter person, hands down. I miss our long talks at my house in Salt Lake. It wasn't a great place to live but it always gave us something to discuss. I loved our late nights talking in the garage and having someone to tell my stories to.

When Alisha was pregnant with Alec, she was afraid of his father. He said he would kill Alisha. Alisha, I love you so much we sat there on the stairs one night, waiting for him to show up. You sat on the stair next to me, leaning on my shoulder while I watched the door, holding a baseball bat. Someone knocked on the door because someone left the lights on in the car across the street. I answered the door with the bat behind my back. I was fully prepared to beat the crud out of anyone who dared touch you and I didn't care what happened to me. I hated this person who could scare you who was so strong. On another note, when I was an early teen, Alisha went kind of Gothic for awhile. While I didn't love your friends one time you let me go with all of you to hang out. We climbed onto some roofs in downtown Provo and sat at the edge, looking down at all the cars. I loved seeing you laugh and hearing your often sarcastic jokes I didn't completely comprehend. For years afterward, when I drove around Provo, I searched for a way onto some roofs and never found it. The place was to remain in my head as a time with you.

• James, I love telling people I have a professional chef FBI agent as a brother. You couldn't've picked a better job. As a kid you scared the crap out of me (almost literally). I remember going to Phoenix to see you and your family. Jenny and you got in a fight in front of me and as is my nature, I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. I don't like confrontation and you face it full on. You and Jenny can really have it out, yet you remain the shmoopiest couple I know who has been married as long as you have. I actually remember being embarrassed sitting in the same room with you two while you groped away (in appropriate places of course) on the couch. You could stare me down in seconds. I fondly remember the time we were laying on a bed watching tv and I moved around a lot as I did then and still do now (ask Erik). You told me in your scariest voice, "If you move again...I will kill you." I laid on that bed as still as I ever could thinking, my nose itches, I will not scratch my nose, maybe if I reach up slowly and rub it a little he won't feel me move. Peripherally, I watched you as I reached up slowly, slowly. You began to turn your head. As quick as I could I jumped up, scratching my nose as I fearfully ran away to a safe distance.
  How old was I, Vaughn, when I stayed with you for the summer? 12, 13, 14? I never wanted to leave. It was the longest period of time to that point and for long afterward that I stayed happy. I read Stephen King's, It, while I stayed with you. It was such an accomplishment, reading this book over 1000 pages long. That was a frightening book. I stayed in your basement and it had a bathroom I used just for myself. I wished it didn't. I needed to go to the bathroom one night and went into the bathroom. I shut the door, used the toilet, and very cautiously approached the sink. Did I dare turn on the tap? What if blood came out? What if a hand reached out of the drain and grabbed me? Would spiders come out and crawl all over me? I reached out, slowly, garnishing the bravery to turn on the faucet. You knocked on the door making me jump about a mile. "You o.k.?" you asked. I opened the door with such relief you came to see me. You gave me your patented hand-patting-the-shoulder-twice show of affection and told me, "We really like having you around." "I like being here," I replied. "Need anything?" "Nope," I really didn't. My fear had almost instantaneously vanished. "Well, goodnight," you said turning around to go back up the stairs. "Night," I replied going into my room, fully aware I never washed my hands. I did want to stay there forever and when we did finally get back to mom's house I bawled my eyes out knowing your home was the only safe and happy home I had been in. I never wanted to leave. I sat in the car heading to California with "If your going to San Francisco" playing on the radio. Erin came over to me and gave me some flowers. I cried harder, knowing I was losing the kindest parents I knew. Not only did you attend Daddy-Daughter dates but you even stepped in at my wedding when Dad was using the bathroom and I was supposed to be dancing with him. I found that very appropriate though as an adult I feel bad for the responsibility placed upon you as the oldest child. I have really tried to be a good parent. Our political views and approaches may be different but I count myself a lucky person if people view my parenting as even close to par with yours. It has been amazing being a parent and being able to share my life with you as adults with kids. It also brings me comfort that when I was freaking out that I turned 30, I just had to think, yea, well, Vaughn's eight years older than me. Eight years separate us Vaughn but I still revere you as an amazing father I was lucky to briefly have.
  
  
• I really like Disneyland, as all the kids in my family do. I believe it is because it was one of those rare times when we were all a cohesive unit and having a good time. My mom is amazing, coming up with the money for those trips and the stress she must have had taking so many kids on them, whew. I love how proper you always have to be and how much fun it is to try to gross you out. I still laugh thinking of the time you accidentally drove up the down ramp in the parking garage and swore quite loudly. The wave of shock that rolled over us kids was a feat in and of itself, getting seven kids to be quiet at the same time. Being single for so long wasn't always a bad thing and I am happy that was something we could bond over. While I never want to sew or really be crafty, sometimes I wish I had that in common with you because as adults it is so easy for you to talk to Alisha and Brittney because they share some of your hobbies. Mom, I love seeing you laugh. Proper people don't guffaw loudly like I do. I would often make up stories of how dumb I was that day just to see you laugh, even if it was at me.
  
• This sounds really baby but I confess I love it when my siblings and parents call me Angel. I have long felt my innocence has left me but to know that while I am the only non-Mormon amongst you and therefore perceived as the most heathenistic, to still be called Angel leaves me with a feeling that you don't all think me that bad...even if you do try to convert me.
  
• Not family related, I hated high school though I do have some good memories. I had a lot of fun every time I was in my friend Micah's Bronco. We went to a movie once and people boxed us in. No bother, we just went over the grass and curb getting out. That began my love of the SUV.
  
• I don't want to get married again, ever, even to Erik (though I do want to stay married to him). I did like how my uncle Gary and aunt MaryJane came to all three of mine. Even as a kid, MaryJane respected me and treated me as the old-soul person I believe I was/am.
  
• I don't want any more kids. The four I have are plenty and often more than that. I will miss, however, staying those few days in the hospital with my brand-new baby and not having to care for myself, knowing my babies are the only ones who don't look like aliens or Winston Churchill.
  
  
• It was difficult for me to get divorced the first time. I was barely 21 and felt like such a little girl trying to take care of two little kids. (I still will feel like this occasionally.) Jeff was two and Calista not even one and I was going into the grocery store carrying a diaper bag over my shoulder and Jeff in one arm, Calista in the other, wallet in my pocket, keys in my mouth. For days I had cried every time I wasn't putting on a brave, happy face for those two kids. I was exhausted, just going to the store after school and work. All the previous times I had done this same thing I felt like crying, thinking, I can't do this. I can't. Then, for no reason whatsoever, this time being no different than any other, I realized and even said aloud mumbling through the keys to myself like any other crazy person, "I'm going to make it. I can do this on my own." I thought I was talking about going to the store with both kids but I realized that wasn't all.
  
  
• My older two are really getting older and I miss them being small and silly.
  

Sorry it ended up so long and I hope it wasn't too obnoxious to read my novel.